Briathrail // Albert 2MNG

This was imported from my old Tumblr blog posts.

It’s been a week since I returned to SG, from a week-long vacation back in PH. And while it was very brief, I left satisfied for the most part. Because I finally had closure.

Before that, plane talk.

I am not yet used to plane travel. For the most part, I got the basics – don’t f*cking forget passport, OEC exemption, documents – and for the past two years I already logged 9 plane trips – 7 to SG and 2 to JP. I do plan to go to JP and PH again later this year, so that’s 4 more plane trips. And to be honest, I find plane trips fascinating for the most part. How come a plane ride from SG to PH is faster than a bus ride from Makati to SJDM is beyond me. But riding a plane, so far, is a mixed bag. Sure, fascinating, as I said earlier. Economy’s always a comfy ride. And Changi’s always a great place to see. But it is HARD for me to sleep on a plane. 9 plane trips, and I only managed to sleep on a ride once – going from JP to PH – because I was deeply tired. I did try to sleep on my recent plane ride, but nah, I wasn’t able to despite the comfort the plane seat offered and the nice neck pillow I had and the fact I haven’t slept yet for 24 hours.

With that out of the way, vacation story time.

My underlying purpose to go back to PH is to get an annual check-up. Everything else is just gravy. Annual check-up back home is way cheaper and it’s a good time for me to bundle it with a weeklong vacation. But for the most part, it kind of gave me another thing while handing me something I never knew I needed but I got it.

First, I got home. Back to my old room. Truth be told, I love my room. But next time I get home, I’ll have to do some renovation and buy a new bed. My current bed is just shit for my back. And the layout of my room is not conducive anymore for a good night’s sleep. I already made a mental note to save some money for a good king-size bed and pay for help to plug any possible rat entrypoints.

For the annual checkup, I was torn between taking one of those APE packages or just a straight-up checkup. For many years in my previous employment, I never had to worry about the choice of APE – it was mandatory – and it was a benefit that costed me nothing. Now, I have to shell out some cash for my own checkups. And I found one clinic that had an annual check-up package that ticked the right boxes for me. It was a bit pricier and I didn’t even use the massage and breakfast vouchers, but the test package plus the consultation to a primary care physician was well worth it over the basic APE-and-a-paper packages. I got the results a few days later, and while the doctor verified the results and said I was “generally” healthy, she noted that my results indicated that my blood’s uric acid is a bit higher than average, and I should watch my cholesterol. And so I made the conscious decision to avoid most of the foods that are high in uric acid for the next 4 months.

And in one of my vacation days, I went to a nearby shopping mall – OK, SM Fairview it is – and bought a few things I want to bring back to SG. Namely, a new bed sheet and a room slipper. PH market-level sheets and slippers are just shit. I did manage to buy them, but unfortunately I was caught in one of SM’s notorious sale tactics – a limited-hour sale discount from 5PM to 7PM – and I endured a long, long line to the cashier. Thankfully, I brought a few cards to at least net me a sizable discount rate. I’m currently using the new bed sheet, and so far it’s nice and silky and just dandy. The slippers… well, I must admit that I haven’t entertained the thought of using room slippers until two days before I flew back to PH. I was about to sleep and I noticed my feet’s underside is a bit dirtier than usual. And so I resolved to buy me some room slippers. It’s black and fuzzy and keeps my feet from most of the dirt. And it makes a slightly satisfying squeaky sound.

For the most part, I just stayed at home and played a few games. I did relish the fact that it’s a blissful not-much-to-do mode for me (save for two nasty instances, I won’t say), so I just lazed on bed and did some cleaning-up of my external HDs – I brought 3 to SG, and I managed to only bring back 2 and leave one behind, but with all the shows I like to watch. 

But, two things I did on the end that made my trip all worth more than just a checkup.

First, I snipped off my bank checking account. Last time, I f*cking forgot to close it, so I allotted a Friday timeslot to close it. It’s minor, but it’s the last remnant of my old setup for my Mandaluyong apartment, so finally I closed that part.

Second, that checking account, I closed it in the same branch I opened it – BDO Ayala Avenue. The one a few blocks away from my old employer’s headquarters.

For many, many months, I held off going back to Makati. I only went back once, but it was for Inigo’s late-night hotpot dinner treat far away from Makati CBD, otherwise I would have never set foot in Makati. Because I was loathe to admit it, but I really was angry with myself over how my previous work life ended for me. And Makati was part of my work life for 8+ years. It was painful for me to remember my old workplace, because I really loved the company. The work itself, yes, there are ups and downs, but I loved working in that company. I spent close to 5 years there as a contractual, and 4+ years as a regular employee. I spent a good chunk of my adult working life there. And when I basically forced myself to leave for personal reasons I already detailed in my previous blog posts, I was really in a certain stage of grief. I tried to think that, you know, it was the best for me, that the work is going to be my undoing, et cetera, but what I was doing really is trying, nay, FORCING myself not to look back. It’s like a nice place, that technically I can still go back to, but deep inside I knew I can never go back in.

I admit, when January 1 in 2018 came, and I was planning over my work requirements (e.g. pre-employment medicals, documents), I cried silently, alone in my room, for quite a while. I knew I loved the workplace, it’s just that the work never loved me back. It’s like getting out of a bad relationship but it’s not entirely the fault of the other party, it’s just that you knew the relationship was not for you anymore, and you had to leave before the whole house comes crashing down for both parties.

Then on Friday, I managed to schedule a lunch with my old officemates. I treated them to a nice buffet in Greenbelt. We had a nice meal, and I was able to chat with them for a good hour or so. Before that, I came an hour and a half earlier than the buffet lunch opening. I closed my BDO checking account, then I spent a while walking around nearby. And some things changed – there’s the new silver “art piece” in front of my former employer’s building, the perpetually unfinished underpass was already completed and it looks snazzy as f*ck, and other than those, Makati still looks like old Makati to me. I smiled at the thought, it’s still the same. I did contemplate whether to go back in there as a guest, but I held back. When I was in there as an employee, I had seen a few former officemates go back in and say hi, and leave a few hours later (namely, Lawrence and Kyle). For me, it might be a bit awkward. I checked internally to see whether the wounds of old are still there, and yep I felt a slight throb. I stayed at the back of the building, texted my friends, and just waited for them outside.

The lunch was nice, I was able to at least make Bill’s stomach full. I was able to see old friends, catch up, do chat, make some discussions. And I left them some souvenirs – coffee packs and some Golden Duck chips. I was genuinely happy to see them, but 5 minutes after I left them (they had to go back to the office, 1PM is the callback time), I felt something. Like, something intangible. I didn’t know what it is, so I spent more than 30 minutes at Glorietta walking around, trying to make sense of it. And then, I felt a bit happy. I don’t know why that time yet, but I was definitely feeling a bit happy.

When I got back home (I took MRT, thankfully no diaper shit), I realized it – I was able to finally look back at my previous work place. I was able to see my friends again. I was able to see my old working place, even if I was still conflicted to go in. I was able to see Greenbelt and Glorietta again. I was able to see Ayala Avenue again.

I finally broke my bit of self-exile. I did it to myself due to guilt and pain. And now, I managed to see what I denied myself to see again. And I felt free. That happiness, I brought back with me to Singapore. I feel it can sustain me for quite a long while. It is happiness, that I finally was able to close a door that I kept open. And fully open another door, and many other doors in the future. 

Someday, I can’t predict the future, I might work in Makati again. I don’t know if it will ever happen. But if it happens again, I’d take one long look at Makati at the start. For everything for me as a career started there, and now I finally removed my regrets and guilt for leaving.

For now, I’m very happy here in SG. I hope I can work here long enough to grow my career more. Sure, other factors such as my love life is another matter, but as far as Albert The Software Engineer is concerned, this place can help my career a lot.

It’s been a busy two weeks for me. And closure. One thing I didn’t aim for but I finally got. And I’m thankful for it.